Take a good, hard look at this picture and see if you can
guess what the considered opinion of the internet’s indigenous folk was…
Yes that’s right, it was that most ubiquitous and pervading of
all The Internet’s emotional states: ‘Uproar’.
It was the same reaction it had when that girl from Big
Brother noshed off that bald guy; the same when Jeremy Clarkson didn’t say the
N word on the outtakes for a TV show; and it was the same when Rio Ferdinand
once said something slightly derisory on Twitter about someone’s Mum.
One of the reasons the photo caused ‘Uproar’ was because the
subject was bullfighting. Which to city
dwelling folk, barely able to imagine a bull for all the smog in their eyes and
shattered dreams in their hearts, seems like ‘The Worst Thing Ever’. Particularly when some of the greatest minds
of their generation, such as Ricky Gervais, came out and condemned the sport with
a pithy one line comment on Twitter. Yes
Ricky Gervais; the vegetarian who eats chicken.
Which should be all the information you need to realise that his opinion
on this might not be the most well-informed one out there.
(Dear World. Please
stop basing your opinions on what comedians think. I thought we got over all this shit with Russell
Brand).
So let’s get one thing straight before launching into the arguments
I’m about to make here in favour of bullfighting. If you’re a Vegan or (go on then) a
Vegetarian then you win. You are right. I hope the world changes.
However, if you’re in the Venn diagram of people who eat
beef and still feel the need to leave angry comments about bullfighting being cruel
on social media, then please stop reading this and immediately stamp on your internet
router. Your internet privileges are
henceforth revoked and you are requested to visit your nearest abattoir ASAP,
where you should ask to watch the cattle being butchered. Preferably Halal style. Please pay particular attention to the cows as
they are led in single file to have their throats slit without being stunned
first. Once you’ve watched this process
for about an hour and fully immersed yourself in the sounds of cows screaming
then please buy yourself a burger and proceed to actually watch a
bullfight. You may now try to repair
your internet router (although if you start having a pop at the Muslims as a
result of this exercise we’ll need to repeat this process with a visit to your
local mosque).
So, you are now watching a bullfight and you will notice
something. The matador is fighting a BULL. He isn’t standing in front of a trailer and randomly
picking on the giraffes and the camels and the horses that come tumbling out of
it. The horses used by men in a
bullfight are in fact deeply respected and protected with armour (unlike the
humans). No, the matador just fights
bulls. And bulls are right cunts. Seriously they are; go into a field, call one
a prick and see what happens. Told you
so.
At the start of a bullfight the picador pierces the bull’s shoulder with a spear. This is far less about hurting the bull and
handing the matador an advantage than it is about making the bull realise its
life is in danger in order to make it fight. Without this the bull would just sit down, and
ultimately follow the rest of the cows into the abattoir. Because (let’s just clear this up right now) the
bull is eaten at the end.
From the moment the bull enters the ring to the moment it
fights the bullfighter, the matador is observing how the bull runs; if it holds
its head high or low when charging; which way it swings its horns; its gait and
various other individual traits to that specific animal. All this information needs to be studied,
processed and acted upon to allow the matador to avoid a goring. If everything goes well then the final test
is the kill. If the matador cannot
execute the bull quickly and cleanly with his sword then he is booed by the
crowd and his reputation lies in tatters.
So back to the picture.
The second reason the photo caused problems was because there was a
child in it. Obviously there are some people
who think it is not safe for Francisco Rivera Ordóñez to be fighting a bull
while holding his child in his arms. Well
yeah, but maybe I don’t think it’s safe for you to be driving a car with your
child in it.
Besides, do you know if it was a big, mad bull that could
pose a risk to a professional bullfighter? Or a small one that would present about as
much danger to a matador, whose entire family have been matadors, as reverse
parking would present to a Lewis Hamilton / Sebastian Vettel tag-team?
The only thing I personally take away from this picture is
that I don’t think that I should be
fighting a bull with a child in my arms.
Then again I don’t think that I should
be driving a car with a child in it either.
Or doing anything with children really.
This is mainly because I don’t have any children.
But if you’re an airline pilot and you want to take your
child with you then I’m not really in any position to question your professional
judgement as to whether that’s ‘safe’ or not.
As a writer the only thing I am really in any position to judge and
monitor is my children’s use of words. A
thought made even more depressing by the ones I see spewed out on Twitter by my
own generation.
