Ok so let’s get back to talking about this job seeking lark which is the latest hobby that I’m struggling to really fully get into, following hot on the heels of jogging, dating and playing Call Of Duty online.
I’ve had two interviews in the past week, both for Recruitment Consultancy positions. One for Experis who were so nice I wanted to invite them home for tea, so not much comedy value there. Instead I’ll turn my attention towards the interview I had with G2V, a company who sound like they stole their name from a rejected ideas list of potential Citroen models. The interview lasted barely over 5 minutes during which time I ascertained that I wouldn’t want to work for them even if they paid me, which they probably would have had I passed the interview, which I rather suspect I didn’t.
I’m not sure what more ‘Ken’ (a name which will surely soon become extinct because it’s so utterly shit) expected, the only question he asked was ‘Why do you want to be a Recruitment Consultant?’ and I didn’t laugh out loud or call him a dick and say nobody WANTS to be a Recruitment Consultant but instead gave what I thought was a pretty reasonable run down of why I would be good at the job and why I wanted the job.
The whole thing reminded me of a similar interview I had when I was younger and was told that despite having a degree in Writing I couldn’t be a journalist because I ‘hadn’t committed to journalism since the age of ten’.
I’m not sure at what point as a race our dreams and aspirations for our children went from being an astronaut or a spy to being a Recruitment Consultant or a Journalist but I’m pretty sure whenever it was it was around the same time that I stopped taking any genuine interest in the world. Probably about 1984.
Actually I blame NASA. They seem to have escaped relatively unscathed as a target for all the world’s ills. In the 50s and 60s TV shows, books and films were full of excitement that we could meet aliens from other worlds which would thereby render the jobs we were all currently doing on Earth ultimately meaningless and of secondary importance as we would all soon have a greater purpose. Maybe Superman was on Earth! Maybe we’d have contact with Martians or Venusians by the end of the 20th century! Maybe the technology we’d gain from them would mean we’d all get to go in a starship and explore the galaxy! Even when I was a kid I dreamed of piloting a spaceship, meeting alien life forms and then either killing them or having sex with them depending on my mood.
Then NASA sent probes to the planets in our solar system and much further into space and we realised that Mars and Venus are barren and actually we’re alone and it increasingly looks like we’re the only life for such an incomprehensibly long way that the sun will die before we are ever capable of generating the technology to reach the nearest planet that MIGHT have life and even then it would take longer than our lifespan to get there.
And so we all collectively sighed and went ‘I’ll never be Captain Kirk. Fuck it I may as well be a Recruitment Consultant instead’.
Of course expanding upon this theory in my interview with Ken was probably ill advised. But he did ask about my hopes for the future and where I wanted to be in ten year's time. And my answer did successfully show my ambition and drive while also highlighting my weaknesses (mainly Megalomania and what someone once catchily termed my ‘inexplicable inability to deal with reality’).
All I can suggest is that others learn from my mistakes and the next time a ten year old tells you they want to be a superhero or a video game character simply show them the available jobs in your area on Monster, make them choose one and then burn all their toys. When they cry just think of their tears as droplets of happiness washing their delusions away. Bingo! You’ll have helped to create a fully functioning member of society rather than someone who has nothing better to do than write a blog.